Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I've come to realize that letting go of my kids is not only necessary, it's healthy.
I've always wanted to be a father, a family man... the kind of father I never had. And I think that for the most part I've accomplished what I'd set out to accomplish. But somewhere along the way I'd lost myself in the daily chaos that is being a parent. I gave away everything I had just to make sure I was doing a good job, but somewhere along the lines I also gave away my heart, soul and passion for everything I once loved.
I now know that letting go isn't about walking away. It's about growth.
Now it's my turn.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Sorry about yesterday folks. I've been reeling in my own misery, and as a result spawned yet another blog... a keeper of a name if there ever was one... called "Dimestore Therapy." It can be found here: Let me know aht you think. In the meantime, squirrel turds is about to wind down...

Saturday, May 20, 2006

OK... you guys wanna know where you can find all of my future posts?
There's not much that's been said there aside from a couple of posts, and the side is currently under construction. Soon I'll have a neat-o new background full of bells and whistles... OK... not bells and whistles... but links about what I'm reading, watching, and listening to... among other things.
Hopefully, you'll find what you see appealing. But if not, tough shit. It's my muthafucking site, not yours. Get over it, or get the fuck out!
KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! Please... stay. Enjoy yourself. Laugh. Cry. Comment. Whatever.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Th-th-th-that's all folks!

This blog'll be up for a few more days, until I get the balance of my old posts printed off, and then it'll be deleted. Don't fret, it's just time for change. I get this way every so often.

E-mail me for the add'y to the new spot.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The whole Ativan situation was unfortunate. After further discussion with my wife, it was determined that BOTH of us looked up information regarding overosing. It is as follows:
In the management of overdosage with any drug, it should be kept in mind that multiple agents may have been taken.
Symptoms: Overdosage of benzodiazepines is usually manifested by varying degrees of central nervous system depression ranging from drowsiness to coma. In mild cases, symptoms include drowsiness, mental confusion, and lethargy. In more serious cases, and especially when other drugs or alcohol were ingested, sypmtoms may include ataxia, hypotonia, hypotension, hypnotic state, stage one (1) to three (3) coma, and very rarely, death.
I'm still reeling from the effect of last night.
I'm not sure how many Ativan were in my carryall case, but I emptied it out by turning it over and into the palm of my hand. And then I went and fished an unknown amount out of my script bottle. Insert under tongue and wait and you have the makings of a real fucked up time. So bad so, that I couldn't walk right, speak clearly, function appropriately. I was in a bad way... and still am.
I've added both a local and a national suicide hotline to my cell phone book, and am in the process of looking for a poison control center that will work anywhere.
The reasons for this are many, but since I am cooking Mother's Day Dinner... I will touch base on them tomorrow.
Fucking Cheerz Muthafucka's!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

OK... yesterday - after leaving a somewhat scathing blog about my building resentment and pent-up anger - I began to get all sorts of freaked out. My anxiety was climbing and the pressure I feel when I get anxious was building. One Ativan, two Ativan. Nothing. I need more. Three Ativan, four Ativan, one Vicodin... anxiety no more. I'm sure that was the wrong thing to do, taking Vicodin, but as I held ten more Ativan in the palm of my hand and prepared to insert them under my tongue, I remembered I still had some left over oral surgery Vicodin and how calm it made me feel.
Weighing the balance, I THINK I did the right thing. Then again, I don't possess a degree in either pharmacology or psychiatry. Nonetheless, I've told my wife what I did, and on Monday I will be telling my head doc much the same and more.
That said...
I started my new/replacement med last night: Abilify. Here's what the product info has to say about this drug.
Aripiprazole is used to treat certain mental/mood disorders (e.g., bipolar disorder, schizophrenia). Aripiprazole is known as an antipsychotic (atypical type). It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural chemicals in the brain (neurotransmitters). This medication can decrease hallucinations and improve your concentration. It helps you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less nervous, and take a more active part in everyday life. Aripiprazole can treat severe mood swings and prevent or decrease how often mood swings occur.

Friday, May 12, 2006

So... last night I was able to escape for a couple of hours by taking my daughter to an advance screening of Lindsay Lohan's new movie "Just My Luck." Not a bad film. Funny. Funnier than usual, so it served a dual purpose: I was able to spend a bit of "alone" time with my youngest while getting a breath of fresh air from the fight that had taken place between my son and I just prior to she and I walking out the door.
I don't want to spend a lot of time on details here, but I will say that it was stereotypical of most of our fights. I witness something he's done or said, call him on it, and he basically tells me that I don't know what in the fuck I'm talking about. It has all of the making of a real doozy of a blowout, that is... until I somehow reel in my anger and begin to talk to him. I ask him into the bathroom, and as I take a shower for my free night out, I discuss the situation, ask questions, use examples. I even realize during our conversation how unfortunate it is that due to his mother's busy schedule I am the one who always seems to be his disciplinarian. He agrees. Long and short is that he says (insert benefit of the doubt here) that he understands where I am coming from and why what he did was such a problem. Considering that the freeview is literally across town and I need to travel in 5 o'clock traffic, I have no time to discuss the situation with my wife, which lends to their time together as being "wonderful."
When I finally talk to my wife, over and over again I am told about how the two of them had such a great time together.
It isn't until today that it hits me how shitty that was of my wife to do that to me. I am CONSTANTLY being the heavy to my son. Rarely is there a time where he and I are allowed to have a "great time," and when we do get together, he's too busy being cool to recognize what I am attempting to do. So for her to relay their time well spent - it's like a smack in the face to my struggling parental perception of myself.
I'm glad my son actually had a good time with someone, I really am. It's just too Goddamn bad it was at my expense. Why do I say that? Because my wife is gone all day, and for the few hours she's home, she's not too terribly involved because she's either studying or smoking on the patio (don't get me started here) or sleeping... and I'm still being the fucking heavy.
Why doesn't she just tell me how shitty of a job I'm doing with my kids? At least I'd know where I stand.
Am I resentful of what she said last night? You're Goddamn right I am. Just like I am about her going on ANOTHER fucking vacation while I fucking struggle with her fucking idea for my son and I to do the fucking same, and about doing something fucking substantial with her life while I emotionally batter my children to the point of hating me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Sorry things have been dead around here as of late. There's not much to say. I'm having a rough go of some issues and an even rougher go with myself, but I'm still here. Hell, there's not many more places left for me to go anyhow, so here is as good a place as any.
I tried leaving another voice blog on Monday, but after recording and then re-recording what I had to say, my signal was lost thus sending my five minutes of fame into oblivion. Oh well, there's a reason for everything, right? Yeah, right. Whatever. I tried to leave another one, and learned that my cell service has been temporarily interrupted for nonpayment. It just keeps piling on. So for those of you who asked that I call you, I did. I left you messages yesterday, before I was nixed from the cell phone world. If you still want and or need to talk to me, e-mail me and I will give you my home line. That includes you too, Brat, should you choose to do so. (((BTW: You are kickass, and what you have to say is so relevant to me - wether we're merely blogfriends or not.)))
That said, I'm going to wrap this fucker up before I get too caught up in myself and sink further into a much murkier funk. Besides, I have more of my life to hawk on eBay in order to make a single substantial week come to fruition.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, May 06, 2006

I don't like the way I'm feeling these days.
I feel greedy.
I feel desperate.
I feel selfish.
I feel needy.
I feel anxious.
I feel pathetic.
I feel stupid.
I feel angry.
I feel nervous.
I feel alone.
And it's mostly because of this trip.
A trip that was supposed to be fun has now turned into a double headed monster.
My wife isn't helping me much... she just listens... which I appreciate... but I need more... I need suggestion, ideas, direction, guidance. Afterall, she's the one who forced me into this situation to begin with. And although I've talked with her about it, my resentment over her drawing a line in the sand continues to grow longer and wider, forcing a huge gap between us.
Goddamn her.