Monday, December 12, 2005

All Inclusive Conclusion

Aside from my sleep number being in negative double digits, I feel semi-fine. I chuckle a little. I feel up to running half way down the block before concluding that the thought alone was a stupid move on my part. I am more chatty with blind minded chatty types. I shake the leg (sex) with more frequency. I feel physical and emotional pain on cue as opposed to eternally wallowing in a pity pin. And I can't stop thinking about death.
I began to notice a particular gravitation towards death when I heard the story of a man whom worked at a local hospital, and within a few shorts minutes of arriving to work, collapsed and died just outside the doors to the emergency room. Not to discredit this man's life, but after hearing how the situation unfolded I wondered with genuine curiosity what it was like in his last moments. Since then I have seen live car crashes, or televised shooting victims and wondered about these scenarios, much the same as the passing man. How were things during their last few moments alive? Did they feel pain? Were they at peace. Were they happy? Were they angry? Were they congnizant of what was happening to them? Were the oblivious to life as it continued to revolve around them?
I find myself wondering when I will die. This is not because I am looking to die (at least I don't think I am, or maybe I am... who knows?) In fact, it is my retort because I wonder when and where and how and why my life story will conclude. I think it has to do with the realization that life can end at any given moment, without notice, without preparation. And the concept of everything you are ending suddenly, that is truly remarkable.

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