Saturday, December 31, 2005

Finale

I had originally planned to do a year-end wrap by composing a "Fuck You in 2005" list. After picking at it some, and having given a great deal of thought to the release this site has given me, for many reasons I have decided against it.
What would a fuck you list accomplish? Would I feel better having thrown those words out at a select few with no other purpose than to get it off my chest? Would I serve my own personal purposes by silent screaming fuck you to people who will never hear me, much less read what I have written? Would it be beneficial to cap off this year, not to mention kick start the new year with a negative motion?
To all of these questions, I think not.
Given the condition I live with, I know I am destined to have good days and bad days. I also know that I can somewhat control said condition by living outside of the negative (need I say that a "Fuck You in 2005" list is most definitely a negative?) For too long I have allowed outside influences to dictate the state of my well-being. Be it family, social and environmental, or self-inflicted trauma, I have mislead myself down pathways of destruction only to find that once I have reached my temporary destination, I hate and loathe and kill myself piece by piece. I can't continue to do this. It's hard enough being and living with Bipolar disorder. Adding to the mix a flurry of self-induced misconceptions about who I am and who I have become does nothing but push me farther down the derogatory chute of life.
There are yet a handful of purgings to come. These situations have commanded my attention for many years, and after having successfully written letters to my mother (My Effectuation: 11/03/05) and biological father (Limiting Unlimited Limitations: 12/17/05) there is a need for me to continue to release these emotional upheavals in my life. Aside from that, I am going to do my best to remain positive. At times it will be hard, and at times I may seems as if I am recanting what I have just dedicated myself to. But that is part of being Bipolar. Things fluctuate. The difference, at least to my way of thinking, is in the manner to which I handle said fluctuations.
On that note, I wish you all an incredible 2006 filled with love, enlightenment, laughter, and life.
God bless and see you in 2006.
Shannon [sic]

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