Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Force-feeding the Soul

In continuing with yesterday's post...
I'm frustrated and stressed out beyond all recognition. It's been requested of me to find some form of personal outlet by which I can do something for myself, thus enabling me to leave the house, and for a short period of time... leave the family behind. This is not an easy thing for me, and let me tell you why:
1. I have great difficulty with being a priority in my own life.
2. I have great difficulty with being a priority in my own life.
3. I have great difficulty with being a priority in my own life.
4. I have great difficulty with being a priority in my own life.
5. Did I mention that I have great difficulty with being a priority in my own life?
6. I find it extremely hard to place my own needs before the needs of my family.
7. I don't like feeling forced into situations I'm unprepared to contend with.
8. I have trouble stepping into situations with which I have no control.
9. I have trouble trusting people I don't know in a one on one setting.
10. I have near insurmountable rejection issues.
11. I have near insurmountable rejection issues.
12. I have near insurmountable rejection issues.
13. I have near insurmountable rejection issues.
14. By the way, did I mention I have near insurmountable rejection issues?
15. I'm extremely self-conscious despite my gruff exterior.
16. I have near disabling fear of failure.
17. I have near disabling fear of failure.
18. I have near disabling fear of failure.
19. I have near disabling fear of failure.
20. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have near disabling fear of failure?
I know I'm being somewhat silly with the above list, but in all honesty, those multiple listed reasons are really quite stifling to me and are a major hindrance in my life. They play a significant role in why I struggle with many facets of life, to include the writing of my novel.
The family issues are very real to me, and when played with, are touching upon a painful past. It was the choice between being a father and husband or chasing a long ago dream that made me realize that I wanted more than I was prepared for, and from that moment on, I've rarely looked back upon what I'd chosen to leave behind. Some years later, I'm a husband and a father, just like I wanted to be. I often question my abilities in either role because I feel I have little to offer my family, but I do my best with the hope that I will stay married and my children will grow up with meaning and purpose and respect not only for themselves, but for others. So when I'm told I need to leave them behind...
... I panic.
I don't know how to. I don't want to. I don't feel the need to... although I know I must in order to heal and move forward with my life.
I am a Dad. Nothing more. Nothing less. I'm not a writer, because I fail to write like I really want to. I'm not well, because there are times where I am forced into submission by something that temporarily disables my every ability. I am not a son, or a brother. Or a grandson, or a cousin. Or a nephew, or an in-law. Or a friend, or an enemy. I'm merely a servant of time. With suitcase packed, I am trapped and waiting for my number to be drawn so I can once again return to being happy with myself.
I need to go for now.
Once again, thanks for listening...

3 Comments:

Anonymous D`Anerah said...

Oh hunny,

I wish I could give you a big hug and make you feel somewhat better.

Catch some of my contagious happiness and smile. I'm around if you want to talk.

*hugs*

3:51 AM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

I can totally relate to how you feel. Except that I'm the mommy.
Hang in there.

12:18 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

Thanks for the comment you left me!! You were my FIRST!!!! :)
You made me smile.......

7:02 PM  

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