Wednesday, January 11, 2006

"No Soup For You!"

Okay, so I have the most unusual question possible: How do you burn a fucking bowl of Top Ramen Soup (a.k.a. Poor Man's Soup?)
Well, that's the question I tried to get out of the son yesterday as I walked into a house filled with smoke and a smoldering bowl of burned UNCOOKED noodles conspicuously tucked away in the trash. Allow me to explain.
You see, the son has been home sick for the past three days. The rule of thumb in our house is that if you stay home sick, you don't play video games or rock out with your CD Walkman on. You can watch television or movies, but you stay in bed and rest. Anyhow, during those three days he would stay home while I picked the wifey and my daughter up from their schools, during which time, I would give in and allow him to play his XBox for the amount of time I was gone and no more.
Yesterday was no different than Monday or Tuesday other than he hadn't had much to eat over the course of three days. So before I left, I asked him to make himself some lunch. Now, understand... this boy has been making his own Top Ramen Soup for... I don't know... for a long time now, and he has never had a problem. After all, water + noodles + seasoning + microwave = hot soup! Simple, right? Yeah, right! Whatfuckinever!
The wifey, daughter, and I return home, and as we walk up to the door, I smell something burning and mention it. No sooner do those words leave my lips than the front door flies open and there stands my son, surrounded in smoke like he's an extra in a Cheech and Chong movie. So the wifey, the daughter, and I walk into the house, which reeks of multiple smoke aromas, and try to track down the cause. We quickly find a melted bowl in a now slightly melted plastic trash bag, noodles and seasoning burned into place, and a white microwave that has turned yellow on the inside and smells as if it is internally on fire.
We get no solid answers from the son other than he must not have put enough water in it. This makes a pubic hair's width of sense, but we put some thought into it and agree that it could be the cause of the yellow stain, if... and only if... he accidently let it cook for far too long and it somehow boiled over. But no matter what I do to clean the mess, it still smells as if something's burning and I remain unsatisfied with his answer, to which he remains tight lipped.
Bedtime rolls around and the wifey is tucking him in, and that's when the little shit discloses one vital piece of information: He was in such a hellfire hurry to get his few precious minutes of game time in that he forgot to take the fork out of the bowl before he put the soup in the microwave.
(((I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! Blotty blue! Blotty blue! Blotty blue! Blotty blue!)))
I tried to tell the wifey that something wasn't right in Whooville, but would she listen? (((Nooooooooooo!)))
Now our house smells like burned fucking noodles, melted plastic, and fried microwave. Can you say: "smells like tween shit in here?" It's like a bad batch of pot, with a touch of black bar-b-que, and a million burned matches in here. It fucking reeks!
(((Ugh,))) I agree with Mr. Hand... "The whole world is on drugs!" Or at the very least, burned fucking budget noodles!


Anonymous Monique said...

Please tell said son that alas when I was but a wee todd (not a WETODD) I decided to help my mom by preparing leftovers. I lit the oven,put the the evenings dinner in to warm. Was it my fault no one EVER told me TUPPERWARE melted! lol Monique

9:35 PM  

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