Thursday, February 23, 2006

Reverberation vs. Regret

Two days ago, I received a one page letter from my mother accompanied by an additional two page letter addressed to my father who, since their divorce nearly three years ago, has relocated and remarried, and I might add, appears to be doing quite well.
I have chosen to acknowledge this here, not because I am a vindictive and spiteful person, rather because I am beginning to feel the reverberation of lifelong regret for having contacted her to begin with.
The letter is as follows:
"Dear ( [sic] ),
I just left the envelope open so you can read the letter yourself.
As I write this, I am in the hospital and have been here for a week, I won't be home for a couple more days. I made Valentines for the kids, with $5.00 for (my son) - $9.00 for (my daughter). I'll mail them when I get home.
What a hoot - Valentines again.
Love you
-Mom- (underlined twice for impact)
Mom - not (my mother's name) - you stop disrespecting me - I don't deserve it."
As previously stated in an earlier post, while in Barstow I received a phone call from her which, at the urging of my wife, I chose to ignore. She did so, not because she is vindictive or spiteful, rather because she knows what happens to me when I talk to her. I go into an emotional tailspin, and for a brief moment on Saturday, I did just that. I once again let her gnaw at the very center of my soul via telephone conversations she had with my children.
Why do I let her eat at the core of my very existence?
Furthermore, I don't know what she expects from me, I really don't. My best guess is that she expects me to forgive and forget everything that has happened between us, that we're supposed to just pick up the shattered pieces of our life together and carry on as if nothing has happened.
It's not that simple.
I'm not that stupid.
It's not going to happen.
As I've explained to her many times, I have forgiven her for all of the things she did to me throught my life, but I will never forget any of it. This is not because I harbor resentment. There simply isn't a need. It's because I try to use what has happened to me as learning tools in how NOT to fuck up the realtionships with my family.
So why did I call her a few weeks ago? Because I had a feeling something was wrong. In more ways than I care to divuldge, she is a very unhealthy person. That said, when these feelings occurr (they are less frequent that one imagines), I move them aside to see if they will pass. Most times they do, but there are a few that linger for days and weeks at a time. (This time was certainly elongated because as is outlined in her letter, she went back into the hospital.)
There's no underlying message to all of this. It's me purging. It's me taking a mental and emotional shower in order to wipe away the filth I have once again come in contact with.
That said...
... I have two more things:
1) Calling you by your name is not a sign of disrespect. Referring to you as something other than your Godgiven moniker would be, i.e.: bitch, cunt, whore. I choose NOT to call you Mom, not because I am trying to disrespect you but because Mom is title that is earned. You have not earned yours.
2) You were adamant about changing your last name BACK to your maiden name, and have - according to you - gone so far as to address the courts regarding this matter. My question to you is, why did you address your letter to my father with his last name, a name you no longer carry?


Blogger Juanita J. Sanchez said...

Glad you got through the weekend. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I hadn't heard from you in awhile, so I was unsure whether you wanted me to come around or not. I don't want to intrude, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it's so sad when family members turn toxic, as seems to be the case with your mother. But in recognizing it, and learning to avoid the same mistakes, at least you take something useful from the experience. The real problem, as you note, is how to keep someone like this from eating at you. I wish I knew the answer.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey sic,
Yeah, your blog is definitely bookmarked.
Very real style, on edge, but relatable.
Great writing and kickass art,
do you do the art/graphics yourself?
Listen, email me if you get a chance, I have a suggestion.

2:44 PM  

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