Sunday, February 12, 2006

Somewhere Between My Ear and My Asshole

The best I can recall... I was as selfish a tween as any other, which stands to reason why my son has blossomed into his own full-term selfish phase.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my son unquestionably, despite the many reports I've been posting here as of late. And quite frankly, they've been based in humor, with equal parts frustration and love, despite the manner to which my processed words may have been perceived. Not to mention, the situations I've been discussing are fun to compare with similar situations from my past, and as well, make for good practice in terms of my on going novel writing.
Now I've come to an impasse.
I feel as if maybe I have created some sort of deliberately obnoxious tween monster whose only goal is to break me down until the day he decides he's had enough and announces his willful removal from our home.
Here's the latest installment.
Over the past five days, I have had an incredible toothache. So much so that I have been self-medicating with 500 mg's of Penicillin VK, 1,600 mg's of Ibuprofin, and a Vicodin every four to five hours since Friday afternoon. Am I crazy for doing so? Yup. As would you be if the left side of your face and ear felt much like mine does.
So, in dealing with the face ache of my life, I've been pushing forth in getting the laundry done and picking up the house, while the kids have been getting their bedroom straightened out in an attempt at semi-effortless 50/50 spring cleaning. Earlier in the day, I made arrangements for my son to empty the dishwasher, and I would wash the dishes, however, when it came time to hold my end of the agreement, my face and ear was killing me. I asked him if he would help me out by doing them for me, and much to my surprise, he flat out refused. In doing so, he told me that I wasn't feeling bad, and that all I had was a toothache.
Ummm... okay? I didn't realize that's all it was.
He then proceeded to negotiate what he would do. He would pick up the living room - a room that needed no attention - in exchange for setting his XBox up to said room's television. For obvious reasons, I was unable to jump dead into his shit and stomp his ass, so I tried rationalizing with him. Smart move... if I were fucking smart. But I wasn't. I was fucking stupid for not at least attempting to stomp around his perky, too-good-for-his-own-good, asshole. Despite my talking to him, he moved remotes around, adjusted pillows, moved remotes some more. And all the while, I'm telling him it doesn't need straightening.
"Yes it does," he says.
"I don't need help in here," I retort.
"Yes you do."
"Not in here."
"Yes you do," he emphatically tells me.
So, my frustration begins to settle in somewhere between my left ear and my asshole and I decide that it was a mistake asking for his help. "I don't need any help," I say.
"Yes you do."
"No... I don't. Please stop what you're doing."
"You need help," he says and continues moving things about.
This goes on for a few minutes, and feeling the unnerving pain begin to once again peak, I grab a trash bag and head outside toward the garbage. I'm trying really hard not to get pissed, so I call my wife and explain my situation. I want to know why I can't stand firm despite my pain and force him to do what I asked, and then I tell myself that I shouldn't have to do that. We're a family and as such, we help one another. That said, I hung up with her, moved some salt water around in my mouth - which, for some reason, eases the sharpness of immediate pain - and go lay down in my bedroom. I must have dozed off, because moments later I hear water running in the sink and silverware clanging together.
(((What the fuck happened while I was in my room?)))
Now he's doing the fucking dishes?
Nice. And after all of that bullshit took place, too. What a swell kid he is.
So when he came into the bedroom after he finished, I asked him why in the fuck we had to go through all of that in the first place, but he didn't know.
He didn't know.

5 Comments:

Blogger l.jo said...

hahahaha...
jump dead into his shit and stomp his ass, so I tried rationalizing with him. Smart move... if I were fucking smart. But I wasn't. I was fucking stupid for not at least attempting to stomp around his perky, too-good-for-his-own-good, asshole.

i realize this was serious, but it made me laugh aloud. i love when anger comes out in streams. very fun.

8:47 PM  
Blogger l.jo said...

hahahaha...
jump dead into his shit and stomp his ass, so I tried rationalizing with him. Smart move... if I were fucking smart. But I wasn't. I was fucking stupid for not at least attempting to stomp around his perky, too-good-for-his-own-good, asshole.

i realize this was serious, but it made me laugh aloud. i love when anger comes out in streams. very fun.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Juanita J. Sanchez said...

I'm sorry, I'm laughing, too. Mostly because I'm going through the same shit, day after day after day. And then, if and when we manage to work something out, I ask her, "why do we have to go through all this?" And what is her reply? "I don't know."

9:07 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

Did he roll his eyes? Cuz my 12 year old has developed some sort of eye rolling disorder.

7:59 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

My slow ass just caught the title to this post...too funny. :)

10:04 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home