Saturday, March 11, 2006

It's beyond me to understand why I insist on kicking myself in the teeth every chance I get. I never allow myself the proper credit which in turn denies me any chance at success. I simply fail and fail and fail. I give up. I walk away. I retreat to the dark hole that has become my comfort zone. I return to the cold place where familiarity has been passed over for the confines of self imposed security. However, my retreating begs the question, how secure am I when I routinely turn to thoughs of killing myself? It seems to me that the one person I trust most - me - is in fact the one that causes me the most harm.

2 Comments:

Blogger Tom said...

I'm speaking to myself when I say:

All the self-torment you are going through isn't badness or weakness. It's illness. It's no different from tuberculosis or bird flu. For whatever reason--and the reasons however true aren't even always relevant--you're scrambled up inside your head and the lifesprings of natural inner healing aren't working right. It's like your emotional immune system is shot. The good news is we live in the 21st century and mental fucked-up-edness isn't a death sentence.

The lifesprings of healing are in there. They just need help.

The help is out there.

12:15 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Help comes in the form of Wednesday at 9:00 a.m. That's when my next head doc visit is. Man is she ever gonna get an earful.

Sorry doc.

1:03 PM  

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