Sunday, April 02, 2006

For the first time in two plus weeks I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop nestled in my lap trying to write, but nothing's happening.
I've come up with the opening line to a non-fiction opus about the adventure my son and I are undertaking, but so far that's it. I keep drawing blanks.
It upsets to me to no end to feel this way. I don't know if it's inadequacy once again creeping in through my back door or if what I am feeling is the reality of years spent hearing as well as telling myself that I could never amount to anything. Either way, I am noticing that anger and frustration have replaced my once solemn mood, and now I feel like throwing my laptop through the fucking window in a fit of unbalanced horror.
I have serious doubts that I'll ever be able to write.
More times than I care to count, complete strangers acknowledge some well hidden ability I have to pound out the written word, but let's be honest shall we? I'm blogging. I'm writing an online diary. I'm simply spewing my life onto cyber pages so the world over can peer in on what a thirtysomething, stay at home, Bipolar father does with his day.
Let me save you the trouble by stating that I do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH MY DAYS.
I wish and dream and contemplate suicide. I jack off and occasionally fuck a woman who for some reason enjoys my company, and then I curl up in a ball while the house is empty and cry about the shambles my life is an how if effects everyone I know. I rarely sleep and I drink caffeine like an alcoholic locked away overnight in an Irish pub, and then I wonder why I have insomnia.
Oh... and then there's blogging... and MySpace.
Here's a thought: when people ask me what I do, maybe I can tell them I'm a journalist, because to a degree I am.
Remember, I DO journal.

5 Comments:

Blogger the depressed nurse said...

Is everyone but me on MySpace?

Are ya feeling a little depressed? I wish I had something witty or funny to try and cheer you up, but I know that's not going to work.

So, I'll just offer my ear if you need to vent in the hopes that may help you.

Now, I'm going to go get on MySpace.

3:41 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

How about a bottle of pain pills? Do you have a spare bottle I can wash down with the remaining half a bottle of Vodka?

At some point I'm bound to get it right, right?

Cheerz!

4:39 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Actually I have a bottle of Vicodin in my top drawer, which I had thought of sending to Anna back during the broken rib episode (but didn't know her well enough then), but I am not going to send it to you for obvious reasons. I wish there was something I could say beyond the obvious and hokey but nevertheless true: You have it all. You have the time in the day to write, the desire to write, friends to turn to for help, and the beauty of creation swirling all around you. As a writer who struggles with huge concentration issues myself, I can offer you a piece of practical advice: set a time at which you write every day, and a time at which you finish writing. During that time--and at the beginning you should make it an hour, no more, or even half an hour--you set yourself to writing and nothing else. No phone calls, no blogging, no caffeine, no self-abuse. An important part of this set-up is that you are forbidden to write at any time of day other than the agreed-upon period. Then, with each session of writing, set yourself one achievable goal. (This part of it I got from a David Mamet essay.) Like: today I will only write down three ideas for stories or screenplays or novels I want to write, and two sentences about each of them. Or: today I will write the first two sentences of a story I have decided to write. Or whatever. Ultimately, the length of the writing time, and the size of the task you set yourself, will grow. But with the small time period and the daily mini-micro-goal you can start building up a sense of achievement and the confidence that you can actually do this. Which you can.

5:07 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

I may have all of the required "tools" for writing, but I lack the feelings of adequacy. I feel like a failure before I can reach the second sentence and when I try my fear paralyzes me.

Maybe it's because I have no friends outside of this computer (and for the record, I don't). Maybe it's because I haven't the first idea about what I'm doing. Maybe it's because I believe all of the self-talk? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I need to truly focus on being a Bipolar father and husband, and how I can be a better person than worry about trying to be something I'm not.

5:26 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

I don't have any more pain pills and Tom's a bad boy for not sharing!! Let's go get him for that.

What Tom says is good advice. I'm actually going to follow it myself since I'm sitting around and procrastinating about writing too.
As long as you keep telling yourself you can't do it, you're not going to be able to.

It's amazing you described the way I feel about not being able to write, so I do understand that. I don't know what to say about the rest of your feelings, and I'm sorry I can't say or do something to help you.

Just don't give up, okay? I believe in you.

6:13 PM  

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