Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I wish I had something witty or brilliant to say today, but the truth is, I feel shitty and moody and completely out of touch with myself.
All I want is to have someone to talk to. Someone with an unbiased ear who can give me the time and attention I in turn would enjoy giving to them, however that's not to be.
I am alone again.
The house is 50% clean. The laundry is churning in both the washer and dryer. The landscapers are making a terrible racket outside with riding lawn mowers, gas powered blowers and weed eaters. And once again, in terms of writing I've not accomplished one Goddamn thing. I am trying to will myself to, I really am, but the idea is not being received very well. Okay... so I consider doing research for a screenplay I am slowly conceptualizing, but I find myself going back to the guilt I have over the house not being 100% clean and the laundry not being done, and so it starts all over again.
It's a vicious fucking cycle.
Throw in to the mix the fact that my wife makes me feel inferior in comparison to her Wonder Woman-esque pace, and that I am faced with pulling the plug on the San Francisco trip and I've pretty much clocked out for the day... hell, maybe the rest of the week.

6 Comments:

Blogger barista brat said...

sorry to hear your day isn't going as well as planned.
don't beat yourself up too much when comparing yourself to your wife. remember - if both of you were exactly the same, and brought the same things into the relationship, your marriage might never have happened.

i'm a firm believer that one needs to find someone who helps complete them, not a mirror image of themselves.

sorry to get all new agey on you today!

12:54 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

You absolutely have to read The War of Art! It's all about all the ways writers keep themselves from writing, and you are a poster boy. Everything you are going through--the laundry, the house, inferiority, oh why even start--is completely 100% normal writer behavior.

Get that book!

4:43 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Brat:
Rave on with your New Age Guru Mumbo Jumbo because to be honest, I'll take whatever I can get my hands on at the moment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom:
"The War of Art."
Consider it done. However, for the record, my inferiority is only shadowed by my own guilt because, you see, I am the little house bitch. (No offense to all of you home makers out there.) When I let something slip, I get bullshit about the house being a "wreck" or "filthy" or a "pig stuy." If the laundry isn't done, I hear screams of "we don't have this or I need that." If I actually want to sit a write, it winds up taking a back seat to the wants and needs of the fucking household.

There are times like today, where I fell like "oh why even start" or worse... "why even bother" because it seems a never ending cycle of fuck me so long as the needs of everyone else are being met.

5:06 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

BTW:
It's nice to know I'm the poster boy for something other than mental health or bipolar disorder.

I've grown tired of wearing those particular lame ass "Hello. My name is..." stickers.

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for visiting my blog:)

8:08 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Hi sic. I can so relate. I have been the stay-at-home forever. It's a thankless f-ing job. The minute you sit back on your heals and admire your job it's right back the way it was. There is no satisfaction in that. And no one places any value in you. I still have to force myself to put myself 1st and not feel guilty. Otherwise I would be in deep dark hole of depression. We all need to do something that makes us feel good. Everyone is capable of taking care of their own space. I still like my home perfect but I have to let it go a little or there is no time for art which is what makes me happy. There can't just be one person in the family who does all the shit work so everyone else will be happy. It's been hard but I am really pushing for myself. If I don't who, seriously will? That's why I called my blog get it for yourself. Hope it gets better.

12:55 PM  

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