Monday, April 17, 2006

What a fucking day this has turned out to be. The shit keeps piling on higher and higher all the while getting deeper and deeper. I just want to know when it's going to end. Anyone care to chime in? I didn't think so. It's been as dead a a fucking doornail around this fucker lately so I can only assume I'm talking to myself... and I CERTAINLY don't have the first clue about digging my way out of this mess.
BTW: for those of you peering in from the side window, the new head med I've been prescribed is Abilify. Anyone heard of this wonder drug? I haven't, but I'm certainly going to give it a hard ride. Hell... anything's got to feel better than the way I've been feeling lately.
Life.
Death.
Life again.
Death again.
I'm to the point that I'm thinking a nice sturdy terminal disease would be nice. At least that way my death can be better understood, as opposed say, hanging myself in the garage. That way my wife won't think I'm such a pussy for offing myself, and my kids can still lead semi-normal lives.
Aww, fuckit!

6 Comments:

Blogger Tom said...

New meds are always a cause for hope. It's good you have a doctor who keeps trying. Thanks for the wise words on my blog, and hang the hell in there.

5:09 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

I'm always curious about the "why" quotient in anyone who feels suicidal. So, tell me the "why" please.

Stop worrying about what others think about you. It is a freeing and liberating experience.

And I do not recommend the long term and fatal illness. Trust me on that one, my friend. It ain't pretty.

5:11 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Tom:
My head doc is awesome. Truly awesome. I wouldn't trade her in for anything. She's the first one to "get me" without just feeding me a shitload of pills.

As for the wise words: you're welcome. To bad I can't learn to utilize them for myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna:
Unfortunately, the "why quotient" is something I rarely consider when I fall face first to the bottom of my life. "Why" just is.

As for what people think of me: you're right. If done right, my being considered a pussy wouldn't matter to anyone, now would it?

As for the terminal illness: it's much easier for my kids to understand than say, a mouth full of pills or a blast to the head.

7:10 PM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

I don't agree on that one, Sic. They would be devastated either way, alone without a father and in a child's mind dead is the same no matter how it is packaged.

When they grew up they would naturally wonder why their dad killed himself and if he hadn't loved them enough to try and make life worth living.

I had a co worker once whose son committed suicide and whenever she talked about it, guilt was the predominant factor in the equation. Her own guilt, his wife and children's guilt. The one act he had chosen as a way out of whatever temporary situation he had been in, evaporated all that had ever been good or happy memories in the lives of those left behind.

I have never been suicidal so I can't say that I know what you are feeling when this happens to you. I have been so depressed I didn't want to breathe another breath and didn't have the energy to get out of bed, but never contemplated killing myself. I can't understand that for a lot of reasons, and a part of me thinks it's a terribly selfish choice. At the same time not being able to personally relate makes me null and void with my opinion, but I do know that whatever is the matter with you is only temporary and you have to know if no one else but your children's love and their well being matters, then that is what you should cling to when you think of ending your life.

11:21 AM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Can't you see...

(((THIS ISN'T TEMPORARY!)))

I wish it were, I really do. But it's not. I'm bipolar and that is NEVER going to change. I can devour every imaginable medication available to me, but at the end of the day I will still be bipolar.

I HATE living this way.

I HATE EVERY LAST FUCKING THING ABOUT IT!

(((GOD!))) I wish I had someone to talk to.

11:51 AM  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

You have me, remember. I'm always here if you want to vent.

3:43 PM  

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