Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I'm sick with nervousness and fighting off a steady stream of depression today, and setting aside the poor me factor involved with why I'm feeling this way, I feel like I've completely let down my son.
Last night I had to sit my son down and tell him that it seems we're having trouble coming up with the necessary funds required to make our proposed San Francisco trip and as a result, it's quite possible that we won't be going. He threw his head back, let out a huge sigh followed by a loud groan, and then brought his head forward and rested it in his palms. (There's nothing like theatrics to hammer home your feelings.) What he said next was what sent me reeling into an all out war with myself. He said, "I KNEW IT! I JUST KNEW IT!"
What?
Huh?
What do you mean, "You knew it?"
I don't understand. I really don't.
I wonder if he felt there was never going to be a trip to begin with, and if so, why was he leading me to believe he was so into what I was trying to accomplish? Why would he offer up some of his belongings to our auction if he knew it was a dead idea long before I did?
Please, someone, help me understand. I really want to understand.

8 Comments:

Blogger barista brat said...

i think maybe he said he knew it because it helps him deal with the disappointment of not going - not that he didn't believe you.

i do the same thing when i query agents. everytime i get a response i tell myself it's a rejection before i open it. it's my way of dealing with the disappointment. somehow it doesn't sting as bad when i tell myself "i knew it".

4:17 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

I know, I know, Brat. That's what I told myself about my son, but because I am such a fucking softy, I does little to lessen the sting.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Brat is right.

Your son is also 12 years old. Between those two explanations, I think you've got it covered.

I will tell you that some of the best bonding experiences I had with my son during his troubled times were out in the wild. We'd go up into the Sierras and swim in rivers and hike to lakes an nothing was more healing. Or less expensive. Have you thought about a great camping trip? Much much more of a voyage of spirit and comradeship than going to a city.

5:38 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Unfortunately, my son is so NOT the outdoorsy type.

EXAMPLE: The family owns a cabin on a gorgeous lake in Maine. We visit as much as possible (but not often enough). We were there for a week and he HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Bugs, trees, roughing the toiletries, bugs, bugs...

These days, his idea of pitching a tent certainly doesn't invlove metal stakes and nylon walls.

Besides... I too thought about this as an alternative, but quickly ruled it out, not because I don't want to but because I know the reality of the situation.

11:45 AM  
Blogger barista brat said...

i don't know what area you live in, or i would try and be helpful and come up with suggestions.
is it possible to do a short roadtrip? maybe staying in motels along the highway and visiting some local landmarks? i did this once as a kid and really enjoyed it.

the only setback would be you'd both have to enjoy being in the car for long periods of time.

12:33 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

Brat,

I live in an area where the border is thin and coyote trafficing is heavy, where the sun is out 18 hours of the day and the heat has reached 122 in the dead of summer, where cacti are protected and child welfare is not. Answer your question? Of course not. But if you e-mail me, I'd be glad to share that information with you.

4:11 PM  
Blogger [sic] said...

BTW: I thought of a "Pimpin'" idea for trying to raise money. I don't know if it will work, but these are desperate times...

4:12 PM  
Blogger barista brat said...

hey [sic]
i can't figure out where your email is on your profile, but here's mine: brat_barista@hotmail.com

btw - i couldn't help but giggle at your "pimpin" idea. at least i hope you were kidding! :)

7:08 PM  

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